If my paintings were Toyotas I would kill myself.

So here we go again. I can't decide whether I'm euphoric, angry and upset or just totally right.

I think I finished another painting and potentially I did something great. Did I do it? Did I?

O.K. the photo is going to suck like always. It would need somebody with a real camera to take an appropriate photograph. I'll find somebody who can do this. For now, this has to do.

Nikki York, Crystal Method, acrylics on canvas, 40x18", 2011

So yeah. It should look like an open air show scene, burning man, if you so want - Crystal Method. And it's about light of course, mainly. It does have a classical composition, and in fact it picks up on the iconography of... well basically medieval judgment day scenarios. Apocalypse.

It's the right side of those, the hell side. In the left bottom corner is "Mary", bowing in front of the new Jesus (who of course is the real DJ ;)) to save the "sinners" who are all crowded up in hell. Left hand corner is satan, I mostly covered him up though. Too cheesy, because it's not anything Christian or moral here. It's a crowd of people in the light, in the dark.

Detail "Crystal Method"

Also, archangel Michael's sword on the horizon, with which he judges, the darkened sun, center of the sky, ship analogy for death... but what it is is people partying. That just as a background story. I'm thinking, how would this be nowadays, what do we have to do with all our (cultural) history? This is kinda like how it should look like today. Glow sticks, rave.

Detail "Crystal Method"

So then there is the feel. Is the feel there? I'm thinking yes. Technique... well, it doesn't have mistakes in there, so that's good. It got more impressionist which surprises me. I rather stick in the expressionist corner, but if that's what it takes, I'm fine with it. It also has an edge, because it's weird. If it wouldn't be weird, I'd be completely unhappy and disappointed.

Here is the point I want to make though. I want it to be nothing. I do need the poetry of nothingness in there. A beautiful nothing. Not weak, no, no, or even fragile and sentimental, forget about that. Power. There does need to be power. Some sort of romantic power which I know, is kind of an oxymoron. I want that.

When I look at Peter Doig, Daniel Richter... oh beware Neo Rauch. Of course they are intensely great painters. But for some reason I want less in there. There is just too much going on. Don't get me wrong, I love their work. But why would I want to do, what they are already doing?

What they achieve, they to quite some extend achieve, because there is something going on. Like a red guitar playing cowboy, which of course is really cool... Kai Althoff, also a great example and a great painter. Too much though in a way. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm so totally wrong. God, let me not be wrong. I don't feel like having to repent.

I mean, especially in Doig I can see, that he wants less going on. How much can you take away though and it still catches you? Does it turn all stupid when you take away everything, while doing something, and not falling into designy crap?

On the other hand I can just go with Luc Tuymans and then there is nothing, but there is cold, and geometry and distance. For what it's worth, I could go minimal or monochromatic... yeah, nothing I want to deal with. It's pretty, but it's not painting, it's concept, head. Can there be a distance with a heart? Can the light do that? And is it enough? How few is too much?

It's not a quiet painting for sure. In that sense there is a lot going on, as in "brrr". But one doesn't see anything. It's abstract in that sense, though figurative. Guess that's the impressionist part in a way. I fragmented the light for the sake of having the viewer want to see something. Like, is that a hat? An arm? What's going on? Oh, nothing? More lasers!

I mean, if people say at the end of the day, that I did a shit painting. All right. At least I tried. Of course it needs to look good. Of course it needs to be done well. How much nonchalance can there be and still allow charm? Man, if my paintings were Toyotas I would kill myself.

Haha, there is a goofy part to it too. I worked with the reds (which I barely ever do, unless it's blood). It's gesso-ed red, and brown for the sky. Honestly, I'm thinking that was a good choice, because I'm scaring myself with it. Like ehh. Nobody would do that. Works, totally works. It's a darn pissy color combination that is actually very pretty and doesn't cause eye herpes (totally dancing on the line though, haha).

Yeah, I did the nothing. When I look at it, that's the first thing I'm thinking. There's nothing on there. No war, no hell, no boobs and no disaster, no fun, no people, no noise, no distance, no hope, and no desire. Utterly boring. And the twisted part is: But there is. And it still is homy and it has very pretty details and stainings. Not so bad.

I wonder which couch style that would fit with. Can somebody love this? I don't know, if it's easy to love... as I said, no boobs, just light :).

Oah, and then the worst, the cheese factory. I hate it. And old-style. Hate that one too. These two are always sitting in the corner, wanting to creep up on me. And I gotta make that point. Kitsch without kitsch, classic without old fart dust. This is where poetry needs to kick in, if there is any. If there is no true poetry, I failed again. It's driving me nuts.

So many times I'm thinking, all right, I could dress this up. Smear some stuff on there - right out of the tube, make it fancy artsy, give it another layer, but I don't want that. I really don't. I can't stand the overworked stuff... it's just so easy and I see way too much of it. It's a freedom I'm passing down.

Then I'm thinking, yeah, I could hipster it up. Give some dude a hipster clothing, or you know, work with cliche hipster attributes, whatever, give somebody a puma stripe somewhere. But I don't really want that either. Unless it needs it for some reason. Forced new-schooling. I'm very much liking, that I see Elizabeth Peyton going away from this (she's in a way one of my favorite painters, but she became big with the hipstering).

Same with all these painters who get some sort of technique down and claim it. Like put paint on, sand it off, put paint on, sand it off, maybe use some newly developed high tech pigment... there are nice effects coming out of that. But damn it. Decorating walls is one thing. I might as well be a designer, if I wanted to create a great show down with my awesomely invented paint process.

I mean, more or less everybody has that, and it's what you do. But you know what I'm saying? Some stuff is only and solely a pretttey technique, repeated over and over again, in green, blue, and yellow. Fine, fine. It bores me though.

Nikki York, This is my church, acrylics on canvas, 18x22", 2011

 (So "This is my church" is an easy painting, very straight forward good old icon style. Looks great over anybodies couch, hits well like four to the floor, also based on the apocalypse... aww, look at all the angels in the background, and the little lamb :). I like it, I like it a lot. Still. Done. I never had a problem with it. I don't think anybody else will. I'd buy it, if somebody would take the smudge off of the hell's corner... yes, let me do that.)

So yeah, I'm in troubles, like always. I must love that masochism, because I'm sticking with it. I love it so much, that I exchange a whole comfy life for it. The thing is, I swear to god, I'll figure it out. I might already row in a territory that I'm cool with. Things can surely get better. It would be dramatic, if they wouldn't. Is it good enough yet? Can I chill? I wonder. I'm too close to myself to know.

If I could only be all by myself in total nothingness without getting bored. Thanks for letting me bore you - I need you more than anything to bore the hell out of. It's true. I hope it was exciting... enough.